My friends, I'm sorry to announce...

But there is a cleaner among us.
*Yells of Outrage*

Hola !

So, I figured the cleaner would just... clean?

The lady is insane, with all due respect. Last wednesday I was assured by my mother I would be returning to a clean home, empty home. Empty being the key word. As in the sense, "Devoid of humanoid life forms." I don't really care for clean homes. Clean or messy, home is home as long as there are no strangers there.

So as i approached my front gate, i heard to my dismay, that she was cleaning downstairs, where the dogs sleep. By the way, she so obviously does not like children or animals.

"Oh hello. Don't worry I'll be done soon love. I just got carried away," (I would find out how true this was later), "Let me just finish hosing this down and you can come through."

So, i waited patiently, all smiles and nods, wishing so much that she would JUST LEAVE!! DAMMIT!

"Dogs are so messy aren't they. Just like children." Okay... Hold up. You're comparing animals and children? To a person who was a child NOT that long ago? To her face? Also to a person who happens to love animals? Now not was i only impatient for her to leave.. But i also was starting to dislike her.

I admit, when I finally got inside I was pretty impressed. Our house is NEVER clean. I mean, we have certain standards. We aren't pigs. But it just never has that brand new clean feeling, our house. And not only is it never clean, it is also EXTEREMLY messy. That is not an over-exageration. It's an understatement. So, obviously seeing the house like that i was a bit awestruck. And pretty respectful towards the cleaner.

Till I went into the bathroom. Then I knew she was just insane.

Frangipani's everywhere. In the sink, on the window sill, on the floor outside the shower... IN THE TOILET. No fucking joke. I have photographic evidence.

I mean what the fuck? Who is she trying to impress? She's a cleaner. She's spose to clean. That is all that is required. Now i'm thinking, "I need to use the bathroom, but my mum'll want to see the flowers. I'm so fucking screwed."

Thank the lord I remembered our second toilet. Tucked away at the back of the house. But let's not get into that.

So after about an hour and a half more, she comes inside. Jabbering away about random shit that I can't remember. And then she goes to the fridge, takes out those lil mini chocolate bars, and puts one on each of our pillows. I stayed close to the phone. You know... In case I needed to call the police.

Eventually, she finally left.

Now I'm not ungrateful. I mean the house is clean. What more could you want? Exactly. That's why all her flowers and shit is annoying. But that's nothing compared to the fact that she took it upon herself to put things away.

And now, I cannot find jack shit. Which is what this major rant really all comes down to. I swear she ate it. We had piles of random shit lying around and it's all gone. And our house is small. There isn't many places to hide piles of random shit, hence why we had piles of random shit lying around because the previous piles of random shit were already hidden within cupboards and the like.

If she threw out my piles of random shit, i will calmly take some random shit and shove it up her behind. Then I will go to her house and throw her things away and put flowers in her toilet.

But worst thing she did... Was touch my guitar. No One... Touches... The Guitar. >.<

Of course my mum was ecstatic about the clean house. So ecstatic, I'll be enjoying the cleaner's company again next wednesday...


SHIT!

Peace out

Soundtrack: But The Nuns Are Watching - I Set My Friends On Fire